On gratitude

I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude lately and how challenging, yet rewarding, practicing gratitude can be. This winter has been a bit of a slog, if I’m being honest. I changed my anxiety medicine and then realized that it was a horrible idea due to too many icky side effects, so I quickly switched back to my previous tried-and-true. Needless to say, the emotional rollercoaster didn’t help my slog-like-feelings at all. Each day has been an effort, and I continue to remind myself that everything will be okay. That’s the tricky thing about anxiety, you know. Even when everything is objectively okay, anxiety likes to make me believe otherwise. Within minutes my thoughts are whisked into a froth, and I’m convinced we’re all doomed. A slog indeed.

The best antidote for anxiety I’ve found (besides medicine and sleep and exercise and skipping caffeine and going to therapy and all of that jazz) is presence. And what better way to be in the moment than to call out the things that make us happy right now. Gratitude helps me consider exactly where I am at today, not in some far away made-up life or one spent regretting past actions. Here’s what I’m grateful for today:

As we approach spring—it was 70 degrees in Chicago this week!—I find myself grateful for the seasonal changes that remind me life goes on, whether we beg it to or not. My neighbor’s confused daffodils showed their faces, and my garlic and shallots are sprouting in earnest. Mike fired up the grill two nights ago and watching my kids devour barbequed chicken elicited no end of joy.

I’m grateful for our family dinners, which have recently been enhanced with random post-dinner games. Like the 1-to-20 game, or the one word story game, or charades. We’ve opted to do cooperative games for the most part because competitive ones inevitably end with at least one person in tears and another as a shameless braggart. The person playing each role changes nightly, I may add. We’ve also gotten away from board games because whenever I mention game night, at least one child says, “I am NOT playing Ticket to Ride again!” 

I’m grateful for the piano a kind woman gifted me as she was downsizing her family home. I’m grateful for my husband and friend who picked up that piano, and then spent time moving other furniture around to replace the vacancy left behind. I’m grateful for the piano books Mike bought me for my birthday—show tunes and Disney songs in easy keys that prompt one child to curl up next to me and sing along. I’m grateful for any activity that takes me away from my phone and work and instead invites me to slow down and just be.

I’m grateful for my love of hiking, which keeps me strong and is the one activity I can count on every time for the space and quiet I need to function. I can’t decide if I’m becoming more introverted with age, or if my life is just louder than ever (kids will do that to you). Either way, I value the opportunity to sneak away and leave the world behind. Earlier this month I went on an 11-mile solo hike that proved to be both harder and more joyful than I’d first imagined. I ended the hike feeling grateful for places that exist outside of our ability to develop them with houses and roads, and grateful for a body that despite years of constant abuse in the forms of too much caffeine and worry and work, continues to deliver. When I tried to sit down or stand up the next day, I was grateful that I don’t do 11-mile hikes every week, but I know I’ll be back.

I’m grateful for the chance to parent two very different kids. At work I try to use the word “opportunity” instead of “challenge,” as in “We have a huge opportunity due to x,y,z. How can we make it better?” This parenting stage brings many opportunities. No longer are my children as physically needy as they were as infants or toddlers; instead, they need my presence, my words, and my emotional support. I’m grateful for the dinner date I had with G this month, and for the chance to be there for MK, who is growing so much every day, facing many opportunities of her own. 

I’m grateful for a job that allows me flexibility and growth, even when it’s uncomfortable at times. I’m learning how to be a good manager while still maintaining good boundaries. As my work becomes more complex and involves more people, the wins don’t happen as often, nor are they as overtly noticeable when they do. I’m learning to enjoy the process, not just the end result. It’s a work in progress each day, but a welcomed opportunity. 

I’m grateful for the basement we finally finished (more photos below). When we bought our house in 2012, we knew we wanted to finish the basement, but it was never the highest priority, nor affordable in our early-married days. We finally put in an extensive waterproofing system, shored up the foundation with steel beams, and hired a contractor/neighbor to finish the job. We now have an additional 1,000 square feet of living space and have hosted extended family and friends, in addition to enjoying weekly movie nights as a family. 

I’m grateful for a dental hygienist who talked me out of my sour mood yesterday. She told me about her adopted son and her grandkids. She told me of her love for Door County and gardening. “Same girl, same,” I thought as I was trying to hold my mouth open and not talk. Sometimes being forced to just listen is a gift in and of itself. Plus, no cavities, mom!

Gratitude still doesn’t come naturally to me, but I’m taking a few moments each day to jot down the little things that bring me joy. Even when I’m struggling to come up with a list, or can’t read my own handwriting later, the act of stopping, noticing, and being present is remedy enough.